How daters Torpedo their first date chances #1 Talking about an ex

One of the sure-fire ways to torpedo your chances with the person you’re sat opposite, is to talk about your ex. It’s often a symptom for those who who have come out of a long term relationship and are just getting back into the dating game. It is one of the easiest ways in which you can tank things fast! The reason people often find themselves talking about their ex (especially if the relationship lasted for several years) is that their reference points over this period are likely to include their previous partner almost all of the time. If you were living together for example, you’d be doing most things together and a significant number of the experiences you’ve had during that period would have been shared. So a discussion about where you’ve travelled previously will inevitably lead to a comment “yeah, I loved Italy. Me and my ex went their for two weeks last year” for example.

Also, people mention their ex’s for other reasons that they might not be fully aware of. An ex is familiar and something comforting if you’re feeling stressed on a date. You might feel almost compelled to mention them because it feels easy and natural to do so – you’ve no doubt talked about them with family and friends many times over the years. Finally, people can become very attached to each other over time and often consider their own identify, at least partially defined by someone else (supported by the use of the phrase “my other half”).  As a result, someone talking about an ex often feels that it helps to define themselves, at least in their own mind – though it of course does nothing to enhance their chances with their date.

So, listen up people. The very mention of “ex” to your date rings alarm bells. Not mentioning them, is one of the unwritten rules of dating someone new (at least on a first or second date). Think about what you gain from mentioning (or worse still discussing) your ex? If you big them up, your current date will feel unworthy or uncomfortable about an apparent “like for like” comparison. If you bitch about them your date may think you’re too highly strung or may take exception to the fact that you’re prepared to bad-mouth someone behind their back. At worst, your date considers the discussion of your ex is a clear sign you’re not actually over them and are not ready to date someone new.

Follow these rules to ensure talking about your ex this isn’t the reason your date doesn’t want to see you again:

1. Don’t bring up your ex as a topic for conversation

2. If you are discussing your time away in Italy, of course you may do so without needing to mention who you went with

3. If asked about your previous relationship, be disciplined and simply say you grew apart – leave it at that

4. If your date talks about her ex, perhaps suggest they read this!

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Happy Dating!

David Cohen – The Dating Guru

Getting ready for a First Date

To most, the preparation for a first date fills them with a sense of excitement and butterflies. “What will they be like?” “I must remember not to talk too much”, “I hope they’re as attractive in real-life” and so on. However, for some this is not the case. For them, it’s about clammy palms, too many decisions to make and a sense of anxiousness. In my opinion dating is one of those things that divides us. We ether relish the challenge to meet and chat to new people with the added bonus of potentially finding love, or we’re placed into a position very much outside our comfort zone which we don’t enjoy.

Speed dating then, would perhaps be considered a first date in microcosm form. It’s a social event and lends itself well to both sets of people. Equally there is, as they say, strength in numbers and the very fact that there will be around 40 other people all going through the same experience provides comfort that even if it’s your first time, there’s likely to be many more like you at the event. If you don’t enjoy dating per se, speed dating is something you can do to give yourself more experience talking to members of the other sex in a safe and reasonably natural atmosphere. It also provides good practice for a real first date.

If however, you seem to be attending speed dating events rather frequently, whilst it is a fun evening out, it may be a sign that you need to change your approach!

Happy Dating!

David Cohen – The Dating Guru