In a new series of featured articles, the Dating Guru provides a sideways (let’s call it isometric) look at the most popular dating posts of recent times…
#1 With over 500,000 shares: “Why Modern Dating Makes Me Want To Punch Myself In The Throat” by Melissa Moeller.
Ok ok. First things first. I appreciate I’m late to the party on this one. Melissa’s article was published back in April so I understand why you might question the choice. However, what you might not be aware of is that this article is currently rated the highest shared article with the keyword “Dating” on BuzzSumo.com with over 500k shares. High praise indeed. So hopefully you’ll consider my choice of article #1 reasonable.
In a nutshell the article perfectly captures the frustration of 22 year-old Melissa, caught in a seemingly endless cycle of text games, predefined social etiquette complexities and an almost resigned sense of despair towards dating. The article struck a chord with readers (500k+ shares and counting) and really captures a point in time of our evolution as a society, wrestling with the ever-increasing complexities inherent in modern life.
The above notwithstanding, my own views on some counts when it comes to the modern dating scene do differ. The first centres around the key theme of honesty and the desire for daters to remove the text games they play. I admit as a Dating Coach, I do suggest that clients do not to text back instantly, that they are not to be too open about their feelings early on, and never to call a girl they’ve only just met “for a chat”. My justification for this is simple, it all comes down to “value”. It’s often stated that millionaires don’t value money as much as those living in poverty because to them, money is not a scarce commodity. To the rich, money is abundant and as the universal rule goes, as you increase the amount or supply of something, it’s overall value reduces. (The Scarcity Principal). As a society, we want what we can’t have, that item has a significant value to us as a result. If we were to simply be given it and told “it’s really easy / cheap to obtain from a number of different places”, it’s value to us immediately drops. The parallel to be drawn with dating and more specifically not reply straight away, is that daters need to guard and protect their own value. Texting back straight away suggests that a person is very keen (easily obtainable) and also appears not to have a life! Instantly, in the eyes of the message recipient, their “dating value” drops. I applaud Melissa for wanting the world to be a different place but trying to fight millions of years of conditioning with logic just isn’t going to happen.
So that’s the first thing. But the second point I’d make is that the frustration of many daters to me is due to the methods they choose to find a partner and their own actions following this. The article suggested swiping apps, which are widely regarded as a means for easy hook-ups. They are not universally known for their ability to attract someone interested in pursing a long-term relationship. There was no mention of online dating or speed-dating but I did see mention of sleeping with someone on a first date (car sex) which to me was a real WTF moment. Is it any wonder a person thinks less of you if you hook up with them on what would be considered a first date? See my points about protecting your “value” above!
Finally, the main premise of the article – being honest and telling people how you really feel. Well, I have to say I agree with this premise in almost all areas of life except dating! If I’m inspired by someone I tell them. If I think a person is awesome at what they do, I tell them. But when it comes to dating, being honest and telling people how you feel about them is not all it has cracked up to be. Putting yourself out there can easily lead to you saying the wrong thing or in the wrong way (which when it’s from the heart to a practical stranger is likely!). It’s potentially extremely awkward for the other person, especially if they don’t reciprocate. So instead of just blurting things out you think you might write it down, maybe practice it a few times to be sure it comes out right. Of course, in doing so you’ve just heaped a huge amount more pressure on your “honesty declaration” and made things even more awkward doing it that way!
The reason you can’t just call people up to talk to them any more is that modern tech has allowed us to control every facet of our lives. With communication being one such facet, it’s no surprise that calling someone out of the blue would be considered bad dating etiquette. The same applies to honesty. Dating should start on a light and relaxed basis with the honesty statements coming as the relationship matures. I fear part of Melissa’s frustration is borne from the fact that she never actually reached that stage.
Dating should not be considered a game, it should be consider a dance. The angst of waiting for the next text message should be replaced with more faith in your own ability to find love – but it would help if you look in the right places!
Happy Dating everyone!
David Cohen – The Dating Guru
If you’d like to read Melissa Moeller article I’ve added the link here: http://tcat.tc/1SSsNyk